I’m sharing this piece for world mental health day. I hope the Spirit of pushing through falls on every reader.
This is the first chapter of my first self published book ,Butterscotch Blossom. This chapter is based on my life events and penned from the inspiration from the words and love of my family who pushed and revived me through a scary life moment before I gave up on myself.
Brainstorm
A life changing, self-harmful event occurred, and after it transpired, I began to write these truths inspired by conversations and revelations I had with my family, and my angels, all who helped revive me.
The Tunnel-page 1
I felt only ruinous things before i crashed
I left my body in an instant
When I realized my plague would show no resistance
When I realized my plague would show no resistance
And that it would own my life, my dreams, and my time.
My mind sang me a song, and every lyric split my spine.
And every word from this song took away my reason,
And my will to stay alive.
I shrunk to a quarter of myself,
Buried my head down in my arms,
Buried my head down in my arms,
while they rested on my knees.
I knew not who I was,
I needed to be free.
I saw a light pole above my dashboard,
I needed to be free.
I saw a light pole above my dashboard,
But my mind made that pole a tunnel
that would lead to paradise.
I drove with ease through that tunnel
with ease i drove to paradise.
My body looks beautiful from the clouds.
Then I see an angel who says no words,
but I know she came for me.
Her wings start way above the clouds,
And drag all the way down to the ground beside my body at my feet.
My angel attended to my Spirit
Her wings start way above the clouds,
And drag all the way down to the ground beside my body at my feet.
My angel attended to my Spirit
With words I couldn’t understand.
But through her eyes I can translate,
That she’s speaking glory into my life,
But through her eyes I can translate,
That she’s speaking glory into my life,
and passion into my plans.
she gently slides me down her wings,
She watched me slide down from the heavens,
She watched me slide down from the heavens,
With my Spirit glowing
more vibrant than lightning storms,
And birthing life into my still body
So I could be reborn.
more vibrant than lightning storms,
And birthing life into my still body
So I could be reborn.
My Spiritual Attendant, The Angel, I call her Sapphire. -page 2
Her Spirit is bigger than the moon
But her mind cannot fathom,
That she was made already in bountiful bloom
But her mind cannot fathom,
That she was made already in bountiful bloom
And of uncountable atoms.
I feel her blood pump with every heartbeat,
I feel her eye lashes meet with each blink.
I wail with her trouble of emotions,
She’s more than the ocean drops in every sea.
I feel her blood pump with every heartbeat,
I feel her eye lashes meet with each blink.
I wail with her trouble of emotions,
She’s more than the ocean drops in every sea.
She crashed an electric machine today.
I saw the event come years before it happened.
I heard her mind singing those weary songs to her,
I saw the event come years before it happened.
I heard her mind singing those weary songs to her,
And I saw her seat belt fastened
Just seconds before those wheels stopped spinning
Just seconds before those wheels stopped spinning
All of her prayers were being heard.
I’d been preparing to aid her for years now
I’d been preparing to aid her for years now
From her lips and through her thoughts,
I heard every word.
I heard every word.
I took some matter from the universe
I took some brightness from the stars,
I took everything I needed from the heavens
I took some brightness from the stars,
I took everything I needed from the heavens
To revive my humans heart.
She haunted me sometimes
With the way she sporadically lived life,
How could this human made to perfection
Not know that all her souls’ desires
With the way she sporadically lived life,
How could this human made to perfection
Not know that all her souls’ desires
dwell with her on the inside?
From Daddy’s Heart- page 3
Baby Girl means……. more to me than anything in the world.
“Her Mind”
Reminds me of mine,
and it frightens me
and it frightens me
Especially when bad comes her way.
“My Past”
Did I curse her with the trouble of my past?
And all the unwise choices I made?
“Her Heart” Is Like Gold,
Like gardens that bear an abundance of ripe fruit,
She saved my life
She gave me back my goals.
She saved my life
She gave me back my goals.
“Her Life”
She’s so young, but she’s so deep,
I gotta make her believe
She’s got so much to live for;
and an extraordinary woman to be.
“Men”
I pray to God relentlessly,
to help baby girl see
To help her sift through any falseness ,
To keep her fervent in any heartbreak,
To keep her fervent in any heartbreak,
to inspire her to work her own shifts
And let her laugh so much she don’t lose no sleep.
And let her laugh so much she don’t lose no sleep.
“Love”
She got my eyes, and her mama’s smile.
She got my hands and my wide set nose
She took my breath away in 91’
She took my breath away in 91’
She turned my misfortunes into a crown;
she’s my dual, an always in bloom rose.
I love her more than all of life!
Can’t you see baby girl?
If you ever go away
You would take my whole world.
If you ever go away
You would take my whole world.
From Bethany, My Sister’s Heart- page 4
My little Baby Doll….. My only Sister, so pretty.
Her lips so pink Her
smile’s so big, She’s my little baby doll.
Because I held her in my arms
Even when I didn’t have permission.
Her lips so pink Her
smile’s so big, She’s my little baby doll.
Because I held her in my arms
Even when I didn’t have permission.
Her skin as light as butterscotch, and mine brown like coconut… My little babydoll…
Because I watched over sissy
When we were kids,
Many a day, home alone in the summer I’d cooked for my babydoll,
Because she wasn’t allowed on the stove.
Because I watched over sissy
When we were kids,
Many a day, home alone in the summer I’d cooked for my babydoll,
Because she wasn’t allowed on the stove.
I cried with baby doll, and then we laughed again After we got spankings.
Sometimes I took the blame when baby doll did it.
Sometimes I took the blame when baby doll did it.
She’s my best friend, babydoll is.
We came from the same womb into this world.
We learned every Disney song together…
And we climbed trees taller than the house.
NOBODY deserves my baby doll.
Unless they handle her with mittens,
And kiss her like she’s still 3 days old
And kiss her like she’s still 3 days old
And hold her in their arms as good as me…
Womb Angel-page 5
My mamas back scratches put me at an unexplainable ease, ever since I was a little girl.
Mama’s hands are small hands,
But they aren’t the kind of hands that are incredibly soft.
Mama’s hands are small hands,
But they aren’t the kind of hands that are incredibly soft.
Her hands are rather dainty, but firm…
The kind of hand that you want to rub your back, or give you a good scalp itch,
but also the kind that you don’t want popping your legs, bottom, or hands when you’re getting in some trouble.
Mama’s always busy baking, creating, or cleaning, with her hands…
With her hands she’s hugging me
and kissing my
jaws.
jaws.
She’d probably rock me to sleep if she could, in her hands.
In the loving palms of these hands
I have learned what it is to be loved by someone so much that it hurts.
Mama keeps me fighting.
Mama keeps me fighting.
She was always calling to pray for me when I would tell her I
couldn’t sleep while I was away at college…..
couldn’t sleep while I was away at college…..
Hearing things, and having severe panic spells,
Mama would call in an instant to pray for me.
Mama would call in an instant to pray for me.
When mama prayed, any tightness in my chest and body left me
and every ache of panic was eased….
I can’t count how many times she prayed, but she did every time I called.
It was as if she was calling all confusion, fear, and anxiety that I had into the palm of her hand and then squeezing these ailments to
nothingness, to non-existence….
nothingness, to non-existence….
I decided that I never wanted to see mama’s hands shaking, or holding her mouth in disbelief because I gave up on my life, even
though life scared me so.
though life scared me so.
I declared that those hands that pray for me will see a legacy live,
no matter what, through the woman I am.
no matter what, through the woman I am.
I stopped self-harm.
I stopped because those hands that pray for me started to show up in
my lap when my head was bowed, crying and lost.
I stopped because those hands that pray for me started to show up in
my lap when my head was bowed, crying and lost.
Those hands showed up over every face and spirit that meant to
cause me harm….
cause me harm….
Those hands took the recklessness from my mouth
and taught me how to speak life all over again.
Mamas hands showed up clenched tight on the day I was born,
Mamas hands showed up clenched tight on the day I was born,
and every first breath I took got a little easier when those hands held me.
I learned that any self-hate that I harbored and let live on me was a direct blow to my mama, who made me.
Mama’s hands keep raising me, and they keep sewing up things that
are unraveling back together.
are unraveling back together.
My mama’s hands… They keep me focused.
They keep me fighting
They’ve kept me true
They keep me fighting
They’ve kept me true
But most of all,
and best of all,
they keep me living.
