Self, I love you more- the meaning

Self, I love you more.

“I can see anxiety funneling down When I stop speaking like myself,

Thinking like myself,

And feeling like myself.

Those billows of darkness

can’t sneak by me anymore.

I know when to prepare

to embrace myself.

I hear it when it starts to whip and whirl in me, And sometimes I’ll have to get

Way down under the ground to my safe sheltering place

Till it passes over.

I don’t have to run wild away from it.

I know when it pops up on my radar, And I just prepare myself for its thunder.

I let it roll on by.

I get out of its way and fold into God’s presence. I dodge all of its debris, and let it blow on by.

Cause it knows to blow on by.”

Self I love you more-page 94

I am certain that I will be discussing the mental health journey and self love journey for the rest of my life. I’m thrilled that I know this, and that I’m okay with it. My new book, ‘Self, I love you more’, will be released October 15th of this year. I wanted to share where it came from in this life update.

I try to utilize all of the resources I can when it comes to my journey with anxiety. Leaving therapy one day; I whispered to myself that I still didn’t feel better. And myself responded and said well what do I do since I don’t feel better? The answer to this question lived in a lot of places, I found out.

Rebuttals, answers, and open ended questions started to roll over In my mind…

So do I just give up because I don’t feel better?… Do I stop coming to therapy because I don’t feel like it’s working right now?… Do I go back to a self neglect behavior of choice because I don’t feel better?… Do I keep eating poorly and taking my feelings out on my body? … do I Keep morphing into a Not nice lady because I don’t feel better?…

No, I can’t afford To keep doing any of these.

Experiencing Houston Texas, and it’s Ocean fueled weather has allowed me to see how people who live here will prepare for an incoming hurricane, if they can, before they pack up and leave everything they have. I’ve seen them in stores snatching up bottles of water, flashlights, non-perishables, anything else they think they’ll need to ride out the storm when it shows up. And while I watch them stock up on all the supplies, they’re not smiling. They were just determined to get what they needed and get back to their home to prepare for what’s coming. They were ready to do whatever they needed to do, for the sake of their home, and for the expectancy of the storm coming and more than that, it’s exit.

The representation of the determination of my fellow humans is a teaching lesson I’ll always remember. Their Determination to stay home during such a big storm makes me ask myself why I would ever let myself go During the threat of anxiety, depression, life changes and circumstances. It makes me ask myself why would I let everything that I am and everything that I could be get washed away in the waves and the rain that roll in from a moment Of not feeling better.

I say this to say I’m learning to stock up on my hope for tomorrows. I’m learning to tell myself that I love myself more than how I feel …more than how I want to act out…. more than the echo of my mistakes in the past ….more than the evils of the world…

I’m learning to say self I love you more than all of this. And I will stock up on all I need to by way of my writing, my family, my dreams, and brighter days…

The whisper in self I love you more; it tells us that we are staying here and fighting for our time alive no matter what happens ….and no matter what Will happen. It means that we are not leaving our vessel for a storm, No matter the size. We become partners with a wild self-love when we declare we love ourselves more than our struggles and the temptation to give up on ourselves💜

Remember.

-KO

Muddy Occasions

Using prose and poetry; I detail how the fight and flight response in anxiety makes me feel. read an excerpt from chapter 3: ‘Muddy Occasions’ below.

These occasions, are those endured occasions, that happened, and happen more than occasionally.
I don’t know where they live, but they keep calm where they’re housed, And then rise in my life like an ocean tide.

Sometimes they pause for the moon, sometimes they arrive with the sunshine.
But nonetheless, these occasions come.
And they come muddy, sticky and muddy….

Thick enough for me to believe, every time they come, that they’ll stay on me for good….

….. In the thick of this doom, my body paralyzes herself, and my blood haste up and about, and then fear falls right into my mouth, then turns to anger, and then to sadness, and then all of these sentiments collide.

I’ve ran for my life from buildings, and out of traffic, and off planes for fear that death was in them….in the thick of this doom……

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I started 3 weeks of treatment which included one on one sessions with therapist and cognitive behavioral specialist, as well as group sessions. In the treatment space, I learned to shed the thought that there was a perfect mind somewhere that I could inhabit. There wasn’t. There were already beautiful things and behaviors to step into that I had within me. I

had to learn how to let those be louder than the muddy ones.
The ultimate benefit left with me from my time at the facility came from the group sessions I attended there. I pondered, going back and forth about how I could explain my time here. Primarily, I realized that we are all distinct standards of ourselves, that the only individual anyone should

compare themselves to is their own SELF, their own mind……

In treatment, it was like the sky opened up, and someone turned the lights on all the darkness in my thoughts…and in that darkness, things started to glow in the dark.

Engage and purchase ButterscotchBlossom online at Amazon or Barnes&Noble.

Green

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I’ve started becoming fascinated with the color green. Specifically with the way the color looks on plants. I purchased a painting right after I got married in July, because it was so beautiful to me. Every day I walk in to my home and look at this painting. It gives me a new feeling. It’s almost like a reset button when I look at it, sit up under it and write, or see the sunshine lighting up one of its corners.

Reflecting on the greenery of the brand new spring… I could almost cry. Have you ever really sat and looked at the trees…? Walked your eyes through a single limb…. and all its extremities?

If you’re familiar with plants then you know that they have their own reproductive cycle ….all the way up to the petals…Their own ovary.

they’re all around us. And they are quietly laboring through their own birth pains . It’s just beautiful. But so familiar to the natural eye; that it’s vanity is overlooked.

I couldn’t help but think of all this green while I reflected on life. And especially when I thought about the resilient hearts who are walking through their own mental struggle, or life change.

I asked God for just the right words to say before I respond to readers, or people who are drawn to what I write in a like-minded way.

The answer I heard was “Tell them they’re not alone.”

My book details several testimonials from my life in a beautiful, poetic way. I told my story through poetry because I needed it to read beautifully, no matter how tragic it really was. There are topics related to suicidal thoughts and behavior, life altering anxiety and fear. But there is also A tone of overwhelming victory from the very first page until the very last.

I’ve had life changing conversations with people who don’t know me, people who haven’t read my book; but they know through my own revealing that I am just like them. They’ve admitted that they’re afraid to deal with themselves….. that they didn’t want to be put on medication… That they didn’t want their family to know how they really felt internally.

In Spirit, I translated these things as people ultimately saying they didn’t want to look at who they really are. These thought processes decoded are saying; I don’t want to really know what I look like… I don’t want to see that, because I’m afraid of how bad I am.

Just like the magic in the trees, in every plant… We are laboring together. We may be planted in different mud, but we are pregnant at the same time.

and more than that, we are birthing at the same time; different experiences, but similar frames of mind.

And there is world full of trees like us, like you…..we are not alone.

 

Blossom Entry: In a moment of spring 

Butterscotch Blossom“The truth”

I Have to talk myself and my mind out of its obsessive thinking on a daily basis.

This is a frustrating walk.
I have to soothe myself gently when I hear an airplane or helicopter too loud when it’s flying over the house.
“The why”
I don’t know why. I don’t care why at this point. My anxiety shows up like a neighbor. So I walk this little fella around like I’m his map around the city. Cause he’s gotta watch me if he intends to pop up like he does. And I decide most of the time to keep moving while he hangs onto my leg.
“The weight”
It’s weird. Sometimes I have days that are stellar. What I mean is that on those days I feel like I am experiencing what it’s like to not be anxious. On other days I feel like I am flipping back down the anxiety hill as viciously as possible. And when these different intensities happen within a day of each other;It gets me down.
“The humanity of it”
In my book, Butterscotch Blossom, I write about how my intervals in my mental health journey help me have humility. I relate the heavy, real feeling of doom that I get in an anxiety spell to the state of mind that a lot of other humans have to sit in.
The mental health world view is master crafted. It’s different. I call us, in the mental health community, people who are glowing in the dark. Cause that’s how unique we are.
I moved to Texas last July, and am traveling back to Tennessee tomorrow.
My family’s been so supportive of me during my mental health journey. I feel good. 💜