I’m learning that what I do isn’t contingent on doubt.
The annoyance of doubt. It’s always ringing bells to get my attention and hoping I drink it’s wine before I decide to do or not to do something. It’s always asking me questions when it senses the heat from anxiety jogging from way behind me when I’ve gotten far enough away from it to think clearly. Doubt’s whisper is never loud. It doesn’t voice itself until it’s quiet enough to be the only thing heard in my mind.
There isn’t an hour that goes by where the voice of doubt doesn’t ring a bell to get my attention. I have so many ideas and so many goals that this doesn’t surprise me. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t have a check list of everything that might fail next to everything that could go right for me if I attempt to pursue an idea.
I have to be honest, I get mad about this. Sometimes I just get fed up with being super sensitive to the cutthroat nature of the world I’m walking around in.
I feel like a fairy… a sunflower sometimes when I’m untouched by doubt. And then, I morph into a wolf full of anger …. or a sloth, slow to move at all when I get swamped with it. The influence of doubt essentially has a seesaw effect in my mind… and in the mind of anyone. Moving forward in my life; confrontation with doubt is becoming more frequent, sometimes more aggressive than I believe I can deal with.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about family. Husband and me Are talking about it more often now. I doubt the positive experience that the world might have waiting for Babies of mine. It scares me senseless. Wrapped in with the thoughts of family is the swaying belief that I can make a difference at all in this crazy world…. with my writing… with little brown babies(whenever they come)…. with optimism…
And just like that; The statement at the beginning of this blog came to me:
“What I do isn’t contingent on doubt”
Like most of the revelations I’ve been getting; this didn’t have a wow factor. It was just real with me. Straight To the point.
I am the light. My ideas are the light. Pure intentions are the light. God’s love is the light. Legacies in seeds from me will be the light. People who heal and decide to keep living for something are the light.
We have to carry doubt on our backs wherever we go, should it not leave us. As long as we go… as long as we go with it. As long as we move no matter what its influence is. As long as we don’t remain on the ground with it’s checklist of fear.