3 Tips for a lasting love in a millennial marriage/relationship
Love is action
Love is action not fueled by feelings
Love is the filter in our minds that intercepts the statement that could tear down our lover.
Love is the track for the train
And the track rails are steel.
And the track stays still…
Because it knows it is the only thing that can guide the love train through life effectively.
So what do we do when the love of our life is standing before us in their dirty, patchy, stained clothes instead of their sparkling gowns? What do we do when we absorb remnants of insecurity and walk around with them in our hands, and tucked in the bend of our knee, waiting to project them onto our spouse or partner in our next spell of frustration with the issues in our lives? What do we do when we don’t understand our anxiety, depression, or confusions and begin to detach from our awareness.
Communicate Like Crazy!
Mass media contributes heavily to the unrealistic ideas that young adults have about what love is, about how love should be, and about what makes love real. The millennial idea about love has removed the concept of wrapping your mind and listening ear around the voice of your partners to search out who they are and what they deserve from you as a result of your commitment to love with them. As a millennial in a new marriage, I have to constantly tell myself that I don’t want to have a “normal” relationship with my husband. I don’t want us to ever stay the same. I don’t want us to divorce or look outside of our marriage for a quick relief. I don’t want us to carry our minds away from each other for too long after a disagreement. I don’t want us to be counted in the statistics of failing families. We want to be different and have a love that births itself over and over again. And in love, that’s what everyone should want.
To serve love wholly, you’ll have to talk to your partner at all times. During all things. And in any space that permits you to have a real dialogue about what’s going on in the webs of your brain. Not just any talk; but a sit down where you can really look and listen to each other. You’ll have to tell your partner when your anxiety is causing you to get snappy, ugly, and emotional. You will have to explain to your partner what you need when they are unknowingly passively ignoring your request. You’ll have to listen to your partner tell you why they feel depressed, unmotivated, or frustrated with life. You’ll have to listen without telling them your answer to their problem. You will simply have to listen. And the action after you listen and are heard is to continue to love the heart and being of your partner just the same.
The goal is to always have your cards on the table for you both to see, and vice versa. It’s actually a cool feeling. Now, all the cards may be piled up to the ceiling or have some crazy notes on them, but the goal is that you both see them and work through them together. Unashamed and willing.
Be Accountable for your actions
We are all guilty of not doing this. Let me assure you that accountability is not admitting your wrongs and then rationalizing with your bad behavior to your lover. That’s cowardly.
Accountability is admitting your wrongs and communicating how you want to change it or address it for the good of your relationship. Accountability is saying, hey I’ve been slacking in this area and I want to give you the same degree of love that you give me, but please bear with me while I get there.
For me, Accountability is telling my husband when anxiety is rising within me. I tell him as much as I need to so he knows I need him and am aware of the tide in my temperament. For those with a mental illness or a mental distress like anxiety or depression, be careful not to blame your condition when you know you are the aggressor in an argument or disagreement. Be ready to fess up to when you flat out have been rude and ugly by way of your words or attitude. Mental health isn’t an excuse to treat your partner poorly, neglect them, or abuse them verbally. (You’re the perfect candidate for therapy if the last sentence relates to you. This is okay, and you’re not alone. Become the best you for yourself and the people you love!)
Take Care of yourself
I’m an advocate for the mental health community and for the self-love movement. When you choose to participate in a relationship; it can be easy to slack in the area of self-love and self-improvement if you enthrall your life around your relationship or family. This is a harm to self. Our partners can’t force us to routinely discuss our frame of mind. They cannot force us to seek treatment or counsel during mental distresses. They can’t force us to find resources for ourselves when we need a break from the weight of the demands on our life. They can encourage us to do all of these things but they can’t tie us up and make us do it. If we turn our backs on ourselves during our relationships, marriages and courtships; we are giving ourselves an example and revelation on how to turn our backs on the people we love too.
In the action of love, we are operating in the character traits of love, even when we don’t feel like it.
That’s love, in action.