Muddy Occasions

Using prose and poetry; I detail how the fight and flight response in anxiety makes me feel. read an excerpt from chapter 3: ‘Muddy Occasions’ below.

These occasions, are those endured occasions, that happened, and happen more than occasionally.
I don’t know where they live, but they keep calm where they’re housed, And then rise in my life like an ocean tide.

Sometimes they pause for the moon, sometimes they arrive with the sunshine.
But nonetheless, these occasions come.
And they come muddy, sticky and muddy….

Thick enough for me to believe, every time they come, that they’ll stay on me for good….

….. In the thick of this doom, my body paralyzes herself, and my blood haste up and about, and then fear falls right into my mouth, then turns to anger, and then to sadness, and then all of these sentiments collide.

I’ve ran for my life from buildings, and out of traffic, and off planes for fear that death was in them….in the thick of this doom……

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I started 3 weeks of treatment which included one on one sessions with therapist and cognitive behavioral specialist, as well as group sessions. In the treatment space, I learned to shed the thought that there was a perfect mind somewhere that I could inhabit. There wasn’t. There were already beautiful things and behaviors to step into that I had within me. I

had to learn how to let those be louder than the muddy ones.
The ultimate benefit left with me from my time at the facility came from the group sessions I attended there. I pondered, going back and forth about how I could explain my time here. Primarily, I realized that we are all distinct standards of ourselves, that the only individual anyone should

compare themselves to is their own SELF, their own mind……

In treatment, it was like the sky opened up, and someone turned the lights on all the darkness in my thoughts…and in that darkness, things started to glow in the dark.

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3 Thoughts

  1. As Hemingway said:
    “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”

    That’s why we need to compare ourselves to our former selves and find joy in our progress everyday.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Learning its okay to be open about my anxiety is still a hard pill to swallow. But when I can muster the strength to talk about it, I do always feel a bit better. Thanks for the inspiration!

    Liked by 1 person

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